Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
