blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i drank out of a bidet.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I had to cum in my sink.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
