My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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