I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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