This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
