covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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