Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
