1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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