my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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