My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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