Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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