that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
