fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he told me I talked like a deaf person
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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