So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
