I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
