we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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