Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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