Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
