Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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