tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
