Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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