I want you more than these girls want KFC
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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