my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
