Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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