I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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