I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
