I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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