Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
