Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
