i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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