i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
