you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
