oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
there is puke in my bra ... again
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
