I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
