dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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