that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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