so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
