Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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