I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
