I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
so much tequila, so little girl.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
