its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
