Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
