Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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