The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if only i could text you this smell
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
