I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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