he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
