Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
