i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
