you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
