Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
