i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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