The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
